Anxiety

Even as I write this, I struggle not to hit the delete key. There is so much I need to confess to you. To have forgiven by you. But, we’ve gone over all this before and I am afraid. Afraid that you will not forgive me. Afraid that I am not worth keeping. I have gained weight and I don’t feel very pretty anymore. This weekend was a long one and yet, I have done nothing. All the things I wanted to do, I stayed in bed instead. I dreamed of you laying next to me and being there with me. When I awoke and found you missing, I knew it would be another one of those days. It is now 1:30 in the morning and I cannot go to bed. I want to clean the house and take a shower, but I feel I must write this to you. I don’t know if I will have the courage to send this to you when I am done, but we will see when that time arrives. I look to you for strength. I am strong in my own right, but I tire of being strong all the time. I have to be strong at work, or I would not make it. I look to you to fill my depleting cup of self esteem. I can only provide some of my own, but as my partner, I look to you to keep it full. I wait to hear from your lips, that you still find me attractive. I look to you to help me lose weight. This happens when I feel pretty. I tend not to eat junk and quantities that I shouldn’t when I feel attractive. I tend to think thin. I look to you to keep me straight. You know that I need to be disciplined in order to be kept in line and you know I trust you. This is different from the playtime we have. Being so far from you, it is so easy to stray from what I should be doing. I have strayed and I feel rotten inside. I have also found a way to make money for our future. I have told you of this, but not all the details. I left out the important things because I dread to disappoint you. I sit on the computer for hours reading stories and wishing that the ones finding forgiveness on the other end of a paddle was me.
I do send this to you and I wait. I wait to see what your response will be. I have a million things going through my mind while I imagine you opening your email and reading this. I do not have to wait long. I have an email waiting for me and I see it is from you. I hesitantly open it.
You tell me you are on your way to see me. This must be serious because you do not like to travel. I see you will be leaving your house in 2 hours. I calculate your arrival to be in 10 hours. 10 hours that I will have to try and figure out how to tell you all the things I have done that I know will disappoint you.
Your arrival is as predicted. I meet you at the door with a kiss and a hug. I look at your eyes to see what you are thinking and I find that you are concerned. You don’t know what my confession is going to be and you are prepared for anything.

“Hello Tom”. Tom is 6’6″ and has a great body. Dark wavy hair and jade green eyes. I really love his huge biceps. They make me feel protected when he wraps them around me.
“Hello Marie”. How are you? He looks around the house and takes in the disarray of a usually clean house.
“You have been neglecting things lately eh”?
I surveyed the room, “not too badly” I replied
Are you hungry? I asked Tom. ” I could use a bite” He replied.
I went to the kitchen and fixed us both some soup and sandwich plates.
“time to eat” I called.
Tom came out from the bedroom. He had been doing something in there, but what?
We sat down to lunch and chit chatted about his drive and he mentioned he stopped at a couple of places along the way. To stretch his legs he said.
Lunch was over and the dishes cleared. Then the real reason he was here had to be faced.
“Marie, let’s go into the living room and talk about that email you sent me”
“Now, tell me about these confessions you have”. I could see he was bracing for the worst. I couldn’t look at him and I couldn’t find my voice. He took my chin in his hand and lifted it to make me look up at him. “I asked you about those confessions you had” he said a bit more sternly. “I..I..I can’t!” I cried. He sat on the couch and brought me onto his lap. Holding me and coaxing me to tell him, I finally told him the worst. “You know that credit card you paid off for me last month?” “Uh – Huh” ” I ran it up to 1500.00 again”. He sighed. Could it have been relief? “So, is that the worst of your crimes?” Tom asked. “No, I also put an embroidery machine on layaway”. “Well, how bad could that be?” he asked. ” 5900 dollars” I stated flatly.
“Hmm, that is quite a sum isn’t it?” he said. I shook my head yes. “Well, I know what we’ll do. You can use your bonus to pay off the machine and the credit card and the rest I will take out of your fanny.” I jumped slightly, knots welling up in my stomach. Tom said, “you know this is what you need. You were afraid to tell me because you thought I would leave you. I would never leave you, I love you. And because I love you, it is my duty to make sure you stay in line. If I have to paddle that fanny of yours to remind you of who is in charge here, then that is what I will do.” With that, he stood up, taking me by the hand and led me to the bedroom. There was a chair in the center of the room with a small table near it. On the table was a paddle I had never seen before, a box of tissues and a short leather strap. I started to back out of the room but the grip on my wrist was strong. “Come on Marie, it’s time to face the music”. I know I said that I wanted to feel the forgiveness that came at the end of a paddling, but now, with it all so real, I didn’t know if I could go through with it.
“Marie, come here and stand in front of me.” I stood in front of him while he sat in the chair. Because he was 6 and a half feet tall, I was looking at eye level to him. That is, if I could look him in the eye. I looked at the floor and felt my knees turn to jelly. “Marie, I am going to bare your bottom and put you over my knee. Do you have any questions about what is about to happen?” I shook my head no. He reached up and pulled my sweat pants down. Then he laid me across his lap. I felt him adjust my bottom until it was perched in the air. Then he lowered my panties to the middle of my thighs. “Now Marie, I’m not going to give you any number of swats, I am going to spank you until I think you are really sorry and ready to change your habits” with that, the first of many rained down on my fanny. SMACK!
That wasn’t so bad I thought. Then they came in rapid succession SMACK, SMACK, SMACK, SMACK, SMACK! First one cheek then the other, then on the place where I sit. I felt like a 5 year old again. It started to burn. SMACK! OW SMACK! OW! PLEASE TOM, I WON’T DO IT AGAIN!
I had thought that if I cried and pleaded, he would stop this assault on my posterior. Boy was I wrong! “Marie, remember I said I would stop when I felt you had learned your lesson. You couldn’t have learned that quickly”.
More attacks to my poor sit spots. SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! OWWWWW..PLEEEEEASSSEE TOM, I’M SO SOOOOORRRRY! SMACK! You…SMACK! Will ….SMACK! ….Be….SMACK! When…SMACK!…I ….SMACK! …Get….SMACK! Done ….SMACK! with you! SMACK, SMACK SMACK SMACK!!!!
OWWWW…I ALREADY AM SORRY TOM, PLEEEASE STOP!
I was blubbering like a baby now and he had not even begun! I don’t know that I will be able to take this! My fanny was on fire and I know he had no plans of stopping anytime soon. But he paused and I thought he was done. I started to push off his lap and he grabbed me tighter. “Not so fast Marie, you aren’t through yet.” With that, he picked up the paddle. “No Tom, please not that! Your hand hurts enough. “Why should I cause my hand to hurt when I can use this and make a stronger impression?” I was done. I knew I could not change his mind. WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! OOOOWWWW!
Tom didn’t lecture much, just a few words here and there and straight to the heart of the matter as it were. YOU KNOW YOU SHOULDN’T SPEND THAT KIND OF MONEY… WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! BUT YOU DO IT ANYWAY… WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! TOOOMMM, PPPPLEEASE, I SAID I WAS SORRREEEE! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! I didn’t know when this was going to stop but it seemed about an hour later, it did with a final … WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!
“Marie, you know you asked for this. I would never leave you but because I love you, I need to make you understand that you jeopardize our future when you spend foolishly like this. I shook my head in agreement. Still crying and sobbing. Wanting desperately to rub the heat out of my bottom. Just when I thought he was done, he picked up that leather strap and said “Marie, this is going to hurt, but I want this to be remembered for a long time” and with that…SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! I screamed and wriggled to the point where I thought I was going to fall off his lap, but he held me tight. AAHHHHHH, Tom! Tom! PLEEEEEAAASEEEE, IT HURTS! “it’s supposed to hurt Marie, that’s what being a naughty girl gets you” SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! I couldn’t hardly breathe because I was crying so hard and jumping around. “I’m done for now” Tom said. Then he lifted me up, and laid me on the bed bottom up. He rubbed my back while I cried. Then it registered, what he had said “I’m done for now”. Between sniffles, I asked him “What did you mean when you said for now?” “I mean every night before bed while I am here, you will be spanked. I want to make sure this leaves a lasting impression.” “Oh, Tom, you don’t have to, I will remember, I promise!” “You said you promised last time too and look at what I have had to do; drive up here to get you to tell me about your spending. I thought the whole drive up that you were having an affair and getting money for it. I was so mad, I could have killed the other guy. I can tell you, I didn’t appreciate my mind being left to it’s own imagination! That was enough for me to come here and spank you but good! No, my love, you will be spanked every night until I leave. And if you catch any attitude during the time I am here, that will call for the paddle.” With that, he gave my bottom a light smack! OUCH! Tom grinned. His hand drifted down the crack of two very red globes until it found a very moist mound. He flicked his fingers up and down my inner lips until I thought I would cum right there and then. Then he slowly turned me over and I winced at the touch of the bed on my bottom. He parted my legs and pushed them back into position and he lowered his mouth onto my pulsing moist mound. He slowly licked and I groaned. He smiled and looked up at me. “you’re beautiful” he said. At the moment, I felt that way. And the night went on to a very long session of lovemaking.